


Origins of Soul

by SayHiDestery



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Asshole Angels, Burns, Gay, Kawoshin - Freeform, M/M, Reincarnation, Self Harm, Slow Build, implied self harm, kaworu is really in love with shinji like oh my god, nge - Freeform, okay like really gay, timeloop theory
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-31
Updated: 2015-03-22
Packaged: 2018-03-04 14:22:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3071390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SayHiDestery/pseuds/SayHiDestery
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was something hopeful and yearning about the way Shinji stood, which didn't make any sense because of the knife in his hand, but that's just how it was.  The way he looked at Kaworu was quizzical, like he was trying to figure something out.  Like a puzzle.  Or a blackout.  That is when Kaworu came to the gut-wrenching realization: Shinji remembered.  He remembered everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Pre-Existential

It’s a bit obscure to think of something pre-existential, or something that is queued to exist but doesn’t yet.  And how he ended up amongst the pre-existential, Kaworu had no idea.  He had his three chances, and they were up.  His soul was grieving, and he was awaiting his inevitable return to the seamless collection of space and Angels he called home, where he would lose all sense of identity and self and Kaworu would cease to exist.

He, and the other souls, floated amongst the limbo-chamber, gravitating away from the walls of dark matter and looping around and through each other like a crowded mall centre.  He sluggishly moved past another soul.

It hurt.  Everything hurt.  He didn’t have a body with nerves to feel pain with, but this was not physical pain.  It was new and harsh, overwhelming to the point if he had a body with a throat and tear ducts, he imagined he would be choking in his own tears.  It was separate from the grief, but it is almost as if he is being drowned in the original emotions that bombarded him when he first realized - back on Earth - what the closing of his last chance would come to.  It wasn’t just grieving, it was also a wet anger that abraded the very depth of his soul and set his nerves on fire.  It made him want to scream behind the comforting smile he would always greet Shinji with.

_Shinji._

That boy, for all his innocence, was the best and worst thing that had ever happened to Kaworu.  Not only had he destroyed Kaworu and ripped away everything Kaworu _thought_ he stood for, but he also rebuilt Kaworu into something new and beautiful and such a far call from his original form.  He loved Shinji to the basis of the particles that made up this soul, loved him all the way back to the home he shared with his brothers and sister.  In this limbo, he was still very much aware that he loved Shinji.  He couldn’t remember the face, or the color of the hair, or the softness of the hands, but he knew Shinji still, and his inexhaustibly human qualities.  Every reason for Kaworu to love such an insignificant creature, he remembered.  

He did not look for the world he left behind, because he was a coward and did not want to face all the suffering he had caused the fragile boy he had undoubtedly broke.

Again, Kaworu drowned in a pain that made his soul cry, so intense and stifling that the souls around him seemed to gravitate away, leaving him outcast in his own little bubble of suffering.

_Brother, your suffering aches us._

He wasn’t sure where the voice came from - if it was a voice at all - but he was sure it was meant for him and that it was of Angelic origin.

_Your cries deafen us and we do not wish for you to hurt any longer.  We adhere to your wish, Tabris.  We wish for nothing but the happiness of our brothers and sisters, even if it saddens us to watch them leave.  You are too human to return to us.  Use your last life wisely, Tabris._

It all happened too fast for Kaworu to understand, too many of his brothers and sisters speaking to him at once, too much to discern one voice or word from another it was so seamlessly blended together.

He was no longer aware of where he was, only a vague voice calling out to him and a beeping.  What the hell was _beeping_?  Nothing existed here.  

Right?

“...gisa?  Mr. Nagisa?  Mr. Nagisa, can you hear me?” He was able to finally hear one clear voice.  It was male, deep and baritone- _human_.

Kaworu was careful in remaining still as his consciousness came into existence and all his nerves alit with fire for a moment.  This wasn’t the beginning of life.  He was in the middle of it.

“Ah, there you go, Mr. Nagisa.  Can you sit up for me?”

Kaworu didn’t realize his eyes had opened until the one speaking moved into his vision.  He could only see half the face, because the bottom half was covered in a surgical mask, but he could see dark brown eyes and a ponytail flopped over his shoulder of chocolate brown hair.

_You look familiar._

His mind was as sluggish as his body, which seemed to not want to move at all.

“Perhaps not.  I’m going to go get your pills and some water, okay?  Then I’ll refill your IV.  I won’t be very long, so please wait.” He said and Kaworu could pick out a friendly smile under the mask by the way the skin at the outer corners of his eyes crinkled and the minute lift of the mask up his nose.

Kaworu caught a glimpse of his name tag before he left the room.

“Ryoji… Katsuragi?” He mumbled lamely before he could no longer keep his eyes opened and Kaworu fell into his first human slumber.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I have a vague idea where I'm going with this so bare with me, guys. I hope you guys liked reading! Please comment and tell me what you think :) 
> 
> P.S. This IS a work in progress, so I will be editing and adding along the way, so be sure to check back when you can! I'll try to update at least once a month, but bi-monthly would be preferable. Who knows.


	2. The Awakening

          Hours later, when Kaworu is awake, his eyes don’t yet want to open - a phenomena he is unfamiliar with but undeterred by.  He simply waits, his breathing as even as it was when he slept.  He is mostly focused on the voices heard on the other side of the room.  Why can’t he hear them very well?  He should be able to hear meteors orbiting Earth if he so desired to focus as much as that feat would require.  His fingers wrapped around the stiff sheets he was curled up in.  His body twitched every once in a while and it startled him every time, making the beeping above him accelerate.

          One was male, older than the other two, and it was the one closest to him.  It seemed to move, like the source was moving up and down the hallway.   _Pacing_ , Kaworu’s brain supplied sluggishly.  He wondered why everything felt so waterlogged.  His mind, his body, everything.  

          He drifted back into a light sleep after deeming the voices outside of his body non-threatening, but that had been a mistake.  He was bombarded by… images.  He didn’t recognize them at first, but they were extracting strong, emotional reactions out of him that he didn’t understand.  He was sad, so sad, and he was in so much pain it was nearly physical.  It felt like his chest was going to split open, or that his heart might pound so hard it would crack his ribcage.  He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t see, but he was in water and there were two people underneath of him desperately pushing him to the surface while they sunk further and further… and further.  Kaworu tried to swim after them, to save them, but they were sinking faster than he could swim, tethered to something.

          He couldn’t scream for them and his vision was going dark.

          Dark, dark, dark,... until he was looking at something at entirely.  Tears blurred his eyes and the pressure on his throat was painful, but there was no mistaking him.

          “Shinji,” He whispered, the beautiful boy glaring at him with dark blue pits of misdirected anger.  Kaworu reached his hand out to touch him, but it passed right through him and the memory disintegrated around him.  Now, he was sitting on the angel rock, staring out at the sunset.  He turned, seeing Shinji a couple of meters away, doing the same.  He hopped off the rock, uncaring off the LCL ocean that splashed up his pants, running towards him. “Shinji?  Shinji!” He ran along the beach, running for the boy he loved so much. “Shinji!” He stumbled, tumbling right through the boy.  He fell to his knees, landing in LCL.  A new memory, but it wasn’t a memory.  It had to be a dream.   _None_ of his lives had ended up like this.  He knelt in a shallow ocean of LCL that went on forever, staring down at Shinji who was submerged.  

           _Dead_ , his brain supplied numbly.

          Tears collected in his eyes as he wordlessly shook bare shoulders, the skin already cold as rigor mortis began to set in.  The tears that Kaworu cried were colored orange, which was as horrifying to him as it was to a human who cried blood.

          As he knelt and wiped the Angel blood off his face and out of his eyes, he felt two hands come around his throat from behind.  He didn’t know he was wearing the DSS choker until he felt it be lifted off of him.  There was the metallic _shink!_ of it locking around someone else’s neck.

          “It’s my responsibility to carry out, Kaworu, not yours.” Kaworu turned with shock at the sound of Shinji’s voice.  The boy stood over him, pants rolled up, smiling sadly down at him.  Kaworu watched in horror as the choker was activated.  “I pulled out the Lance, I will suffer the consequences.” He muttered and his eyes closed, Kaworu stood faster than he had ever before and meant to hold the boy, protect him from the crystals that would detonate in his neck, but he was too late.  As he wrapped his arms around the boy, the crystals went for the kill and then… nothing.  Kaworu was in darkness again, holding his arms to his chest where the reckless, beautiful boy was supposed to be.

          Finally, light appeared around him and he was ankle-deep in LCL again, no sign of life or land around him.  The bite of a knife cut through his back and came out where his stomach was.  Slowly, the stranger pulled the knife out and his shirt was soaked a dark crimson, not a light orange.  Kaworu turned in shock, but the blood loss caused him to fall to his knees.  Above him stood… himself, except it wasn’t _really_ him.

          “Who are you?” He asked.

          “I am you, Tabris.”

          Kaworu’s eyes narrowed with weak suspicion. “I wouldn’t call myself by my Angelic name.” He stated.

          The other Kaworu shook his head smirking. “Of course not. Because I am Tabris, you are Kaworu.  They are two separate entities now.  One is an angel and one is human.” He said, slitting his wrist and showing Kaworu the orange liquid that beaded and then fell into the blood ocean.

          “How…?” Kaworu meant to ask something, but ended up coughing up blood, _real_ blood, human blood.

          Tabris dragged him up by his hair, holding the knife with a bored expression. “This is what you asked for, Kaworu Nagisa.” And before the knife touched his throat, Kaworu sat up in a cold sweat.

          It was a hospital room.  The beeping was familiar, but he couldn’t pinpoint why.  There were no more Shinjis, or hims for that matter, to greet him in this room.  He hoped he was awake, though he couldn’t recall falling asleep in the first place.  Nor could he recall it possible for him to fall asleep.  He looked down at himself, finding himself once again familiar with the body he had used for so many lives now.  His host, his home.

          He stood, removing the needle from his arm as he did so and walking to the bathroom.  He re-familiarized himself with the face, the tossled light-grey hair, the crimson hues for eyes, the thin lips and high cheek bones.

          Then he remembered.  He wasn’t supposed to be here.  The red eyes that stared back at him widened as far as they would go, the heart in his chest struggling to beat as fast as it wanted to.  The angels… the deal he made… why wasn’t he Home?  His _real_ home?  Amongst his brothers and sisters without a sense of identity?  He raised a hand to pass through his hair, just about ready to rip it out.

          The red.  It was the red drop on his wrist that stopped him.  The three lives he was given -  the three chances he had to complete his mission - had all been performed in this body.  Kaworu Nagisa was a human being, an unborn orphan Tabris had chosen amongst the pre-existential before entering a timeline.  He’d taken the place of the soul that belonged to this body, had made it an Angelic host.

          In other words, this body had never bled human blood all the times he possessed it before now.  No, it was supposed to bleed LCL.  So, why this time?  Why was Kaworu Nagisa bleeding crimson red blood that scabbed the soft inside of his wrist instead of the red-orange liquid that was Angel blood, which never solidified?

           _Use your last life wisely, Tabris._

          Kaworu sunk to the floor, trembling.  He wrapped his arms around himself but it offered no comfort.  He was… he had somehow become too human for his brothers and sisters.  He’d… he’d learned too much about the humans for their liking, had allowed too much of their toxic behavior into him and had become… human.  He wasn’t clear on the _how_ but he was very clear on the _why_.  This wasn’t a reward, it was a punishment.

          Souls have bodies with which they belong to.  No matter how many timelines they go through, the soul will _always_ find its body in the next one.  The angels… his siblings, they didn’t just erase Kaworu Nagisa’s soul from one timeline so he could have the body again.  No, this was something completely different - something completely _forbidden_ and a punishment that almost seemed too cruel to be real.

          If an Angel were too become too human, in theory - or at least it used to be a theory - that would mean that the Angel had allowed human nature to corrupt it and had developed too much of an identity to revert back into the seamless nest of Angels that had no identity.  They were all supposed to be branches of one being, simply different arms to one body.  Kaworu had lost that idea when he fell in love with Shinji Ikari.  It was the act of love that set him apart from the others.  None of the other Angels loved Shinji, it was only him, only Tabris.  Tabris had developed an identity from that.  That love was what ruined Tabris, made him no longer wish to take back the birthright of Angels - Earth.  Tabris fell in love with one human being and, in turn, fell in love with humanity itself.  The Angels would not overlook that sort of treachery.  

          Tabris the Angel and Kaworu Nagisa were one and the same.

          He could sense traces of Angelic origin but he suspected that those would soon disperse and he would become human.  He had one last chance to prove to his brothers and sisters that he was indeed an Angel, not a human.

          He knew what would come of his failure; forced existence was worse than nonexistence.

 

* * *

 

          When his staff finds him later, Kaworu has made cuts on the inside of his bicep with a loose nail he picked out of the bathroom wall.  He experienced the sting of surface pain for the first time from those self-inflicted cuts.  They treat him as depressed when he is anything but.  He is stitched up and moved to the psyche ward where his previous nurse, Kaji, greets him.  He is no longer wearing a surgical mask and he wheels Kaworu to his new room, offering him a snack or water and some scrubs to change into instead of the hospital gown.

          Kaworu vaguely ponders if he is the only Angel on Earth.

          After he is changed and hydrated, Kaji sits in the chair beside his bed and begins to talk. “Kaworu, do you remember anything about the accident?”

          “What accident?”

          Kaji’s face turns grim and he explains to Kaworu why he is in the hospital in the first place.  It was very cold and dark and his parents and him were driving home from a family party when they hit black ice and the car swerved into a lake.  His parents didn’t make it.  Kaworu was crying but he didn’t know why.  He was terribly sad but he did not know those people and Tabris had never found death to be sad.  He chalked it up to the remnants of Kaworu Nagisa who had been living this life before he intervened.

          “I knew your parents very well, as did my fiancee.  Because you have no next-of-kin, you are going to be given to your godparents as detailed in your parents’ wills.  In which case, that would be my fiancee who was very close to your mother growing up and well into adulthood.”

          It was taking time, but Kaworu was regaining bits and pieces of his previous lives on Earth.  Katsuragi… Katsuragi… “Misato, right?” He asked, and Kaji’s face lit up.

          “Yes, that’s right.  Heh, her friends must have both a lot of trust in her and awful luck. About eight or nine years ago, a situation similar to this came up with the Ikari family.  Yui died and Gendo disappeared, so we took their son in under Yui’s will.  I believe you two have met before.  He’s a good kid, he’ll help you get around the new school and neighborhood, I’m sure.”

          Kaworu’s eyes rounded and he knocked his head to the side. “Shinji… Ikari?” He asked softly, the hairs on his body standing on end just with the name itself in his mouth.

          “Yep!  He’ll legally be your adopted brother in a few days, isn’t that neat?  You two are so close in age that you should get along just fine.”  Kaji put a hand on his knee and gave him a reassuring smile laced with sorrow. “Just hang in there, okay?  No more of that.” He said, nodding at Kaworu’s bandaged arm. “We’re a good family, we’ll get you through this.  Just rest for right now, okay?  Therapy starts tomorrow and your family assessment will be in two days.  Paperwork should be done by then so Misato and I will tend to that.  As far as family visits go, Misato and I will come to see you tomorrow and then Misato and Shinji will come see you the day after, I believe.  We don’t want to overwhelm you, is all.  You’re going through a lot, soldier.” He gave Kaworu a soft pat on the back and stood up. “Get some rest, Kaworu.  You’re gonna need it.” He said with what resembled a fatherly smile and left, turning the lights out for Kaworu.

          Kaworu waved goodbye to him, his hand dropping like dead weight into his lap again.  He vaguely remembered his dreams and didn’t want to sleep again.  There was so much he had to think about, had to figure out and calculate and process and re-process but this human body of his wasn’t having it.  He rolled onto his side, his injured arm cradled against him, and he fell asleep clinging to the excitement of seeing his beloved Shinji once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eyyy for Nurse!Kaji amiright? Well, looks like I'll probs be updating every month. You can find me on Wattpad for original works. Again, work in progress. This is just my first draft. Who is excited for some hella kawoshin????? ;) Remember to leave kudos and a comment! <3 Thank you so much for all the support so far!
> 
> Just to clarify: Kaworu is in a timeline that is being treated like a trial for him. He has just enough Angel juice to initiate Third Impact if he wants to, but also human enough for it to be a punishment. He is being given the ultimate choice - us or them? This story is mostly going to focus on Kaworu's crisis with identity and purpose. Kaworu Nagisa was a person that had very little impact on Shinji's life without Tabris' interference. But this is all my headcanon for the series, so. I'll explain in greater detail later on. Basically, at the moment, the soul of Kaworu Nagisa and the entity that is Tabris are merged into one body - again, a punishment inflicted by the asshat angels. If you guys want better clarification and explanation, tell me in the comments.


	3. The Meeting

          _Today is the day_ , that’s the first thing to pop into Kaworu’s mind when he wakes up two days later.  He wakes up a few minutes before the head staff member comes around to wake up all the other patients.  His body is humming with excitement, and his heart can’t seem to slow down.  He blinks up at the dark ceiling and grins softly, huffing a small breath as he calms himself down.

          While Shinji was the center of his universe, Kaworu found interest in humanity as a whole.  Humans were corrupt, vile, unjust insects in the eyes of his former brothers and sisters.  They had worried originally about sending Tabris to Earth because they could already feel the young angel’s interest in the creatures; an interest that had reached beyond mild and apprehensive curiosity.  It was affectionate and loving curiosity like one looking upon a newborn baby, tender and sweet and kind and so very _interested_.  

          Tabris fell in love with humanity and it was his downfall into Kaworu Nagisa.

          A hand in the dark touches his hair, making his jump.  He turns and in the dark can make out the shape of the other boy he is rooming with.  He’s thirteen-years-old and his name is Rayne.  He’s sweet and gentle and has attached himself to Kaworu, probably because of their shared appearance.  While Rayne doesn’t sport grey hair or red eyes, he does wear albinism in its most mild form aside from the eyes so blue they almost look like cataracs.  The difference Kaworu doesn’t share with him is burns.  Lots of cigarette burns up his arms, which are now wrapped but weren’t when he first arrived.

          “Rise and shine muffin top!” Rayne says in a low voice, giggling childishly and ruffling Kaworu’s hair again.  

          Kaworu gives a sigh and sits up, then goes to turn on the light in their shared room for him.  Rayne blinks in surprise, rubbing his sleepy eyes but manages a smile at his elder roommate.  A nurse opens the door to wake them up, but seeing them already awake she just smiles and beckons them to come get breakfast.

          As usual when the two boys leave the room, Rayne takes Kaworu’s hand and walks as close to Kaworu as he can without tripping them both up.  Kaworu finds it endearing and a bit odd, but he doesn’t complain.  Bodily contact never bothered him on this planet.  Touch is so much clearer here on Earth than in his angelic form and he relishes it every chance he gets.  The young boy’s warmth, for instance, is a wonderful comfort in the wake of his newfound anxiety and overall confusion.

          Kaji is the nurse this morning to hand off breakfast trays and gives Kaworu a friendly smile. “Good morning, Mr. Nagisa.” He says with a nod.

          Kaworu returns the smile. “Good morning, Mr. Kaji.” He replies and takes two trays, causing Rayne’s death hold to move to his wrist.  

          The young nurse looks down at Kaworu’s familiar companion and smiles, offering him a “good morning” as well, to which Rayne just cowers behind Kaworu like a shy child.

          Kaworu offers a helpless shrug and apologetic smile before walking off with his friend to the dining area.  He and Rayne sit alone and Kaworu has heard other patients dub their seating arrangement the “albino table.” It miffs Rayne but Kaworu pays it no mind.  He will not be here with these people much longer.

 

* * *

 

          “Mr. Nagisa, you have visitors.” A young blonde nurse pulls him and Rayne out of the flow of patients heading to dinner, “As do you, Mr. Lisdale.  Both of you have visits from your new adoptive families.”

          Rayne had mentioned before at lunch that he was meeting his new mother and sister today, but Kaworu was so stuck in his own mind today he had almost forgotten.  Rayne’s hand tightened around his and Kaworu looked down at him with an encouraging smile.

          “Would you mind if he perhaps walked with me to my visitors?”

          The nurse giggled. “Not at all.  Your visiting rooms are right next to each other.  Follow me.”

          She lead them down the hallway and took a right, and Rayne’s grip on his hand was getting tighter with each step to the point that Kaworu had lost feeling in his fingertips but didn’t complain.  He never complained.  At the end of the hallway, Kaworu could see a woman in a baby blue sundress with a cream cardigan and a young girl about half Rayne’s age sitting on the floor counting playing cards.  Beside them, the familiar woman Misato stood and looked like she was scolding a boy in a grey jacket with the hood pulled up and dark jeans that were soaked at the bottom.   _Shinji_.

          All eyes turned on them when their footsteps could be heard.  Rayne was terrified, Kaworu could feel his hand shaking.  Kaworu held Shinji’s deep blue eyes for a moment, but something was very off.  Shinji looked angry.  Why would Shinji be angry with him?  

          They came to a stop and Rayne was paralyzed, not letting Kaworu go.  Shinji looked between Kaworu and Rayne, looking particularly pissed off with Rayne.

          Kaworu knelt in front of Rayne, putting a hand to his cheek and telling him softly, “Rayne, I just need to go for a little while.  We’ll still have dinner together, okay?”

          Rayne shook his head, holding tighter onto Kaworu’s hand. “No!  You can’t leave, those people might hurt you.”

          A scoff from Shinji.

          Kaworu gave him a reassuring smile. “Rayne, they won’t hurt me.  Those people are my family now, just like those two are yours.” He said, nodding at the young woman and girl.

          Rayne was persistent. “No, _I’m_ your family, Kaworu!” He insists, tugging on Kaworu’s arm now.

          Kaworu’s face twists with slight anguish but then Shinji kneels down and starts trying to pry Rayne’s hand off of him.  “C’mon kid, you have your own family to get-” Rayne doesn’t take well to stranger’s touching him, especially his arms.  He lunges down to Shinji’s bare hand and bites hard.  Kaworu has learned that Rayne is stronger than he appears and is not easily forgiving.

          Shinji cries out and reels back and every instinct in him says _Help Shinji_ but he _can’t_ because Rayne won’t let him go.  Misato pulls Shinji back by the shoulders as he curses and scolds him for trying something so dumb, _the boy is sick_ , she says.

          “Rayne, that was mean.” Kaworu scolds as gently as he can.

          Rayne looks guilty but looks spitefully at Shinji who glares accusingly back, cradling his bitten hand to his chest. “That gross person was grabbing me.”

          “I need to go.  We will meet again at dinner.  Be a big boy and go meet your new family.  They are eager to meet you.  You promised me you’d brave this, remember?”

          There is a long pause before Rayne reluctantly sighs, “Yeah.”

          Kaworu stands up and Rayne follows.  He gives Rayne a kiss on the top of his head and nudges him towards his family.  Rayne is taken into the arms of his new mother who leads him to their visiting room.  She looks over her shoulder at Kaworu and mouths, “Thank you.”

          Kaworu smiles cheerfully and puts his hands in the pockets of his scrubs.  He faces his family and the love of his entire existence.  The _purpose_ of his existence.

          “Shinji Ikari,” He nods his head in greeting.

          Shinji grimaces at him and turns to head into the visiting room.  Kaworu looks at Misato for guidance.

          She laughs awkwardly, “I want you two to meet first, so head on in. I’ll wait out here.”

          He nods and follows in after Shinji…

          And just barely misses the SDAT player being thrown at his head, which shatters against the wall beside him.  His eyes are wide, but otherwise looks unphased, hands still in his pockets and shoulders still confidently back.  Shinji is huffing like a bull, cheeks tinted pink from exertion and fury.  Kaworu has never seen his eyes so dark.

          “Shinji?” He tests the waters, and apparently Shinji is not in water but lava.  He lunges at Kaworu and shoves him up against the door.  His hands are around his neck but he’s not squeezing.  He’s shaking.

          “What the _hell_ do you think you’re doing here?” Shinji hisses, huffing and puffing but managing to hold Kaworu’s eyes.

          “I… beg your-”

          “Shut up!  Don’t beg a damn thing, you monster.  What the fuck do you want?”

          Kaworu isn’t sure what to say at this point, because it is now obvious that anything he says will only upset Shinji more. “I want to meet you, I suppose.”

          Shinji scoffs. “Don’t play dumb.  We’ve met before.  I’m asking what you’re here for, on Earth.”

          “Where else would I be?”

          “How the hell should I know where you creatures come from?  How are you even here?  Eva don’t exist here so how do angels?”

           _Angels._ Kaworu’s heart all but stops in his chest.  His eyes widen into saucers and he stares at Shinji in near-horror. “You… you-”

          “Remember.  Everything.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please keep in mind that this is a rough draft and any critique is welcome! Thank you to all of you leaving kudos and encouragement! Enjoy the semi-kawoshin <3


	4. The Move

          Kaworu's cheek stung well into the next day. Of course it didn't actually sting, but the mark was there and that alone stung Kaworu to the core. Rayne bothered him minimally, possibly sensing the tall albino's sullen mood. However, there was something both light-haired boys were looking forward to today: going home. Kaworu was vaguely certain that Rayne had feigned sleep the entire night, but he couldn't tell for sure.

          "Kaworu, I'm going to protect her."

          Crimson eyes blinked drearily, as though Kaworu was only _now_ waking up - halfway into breakfast. "Come again?"

          "My sister, Kaworu. I'm going to protect her." Rayne said with an awakening fire that Kaworu couldn't recall seeing in him before, but it was something he recognized. He'd watched it flicker in sad, deep blue eyes to many times before: passion, purpose, will to live.

          Kaworu gave a fond smile. "Oh? I would hope so. You are her older brother now."

          Rayne gave a firm nod and dug into cold pancakes, eating them with new-found determination.

          Kaworu hardly touched his and blatantly ignored the sympathetic look Kaji gave him when he cleared the trays with another nurse.

          Kaworu couldn't help his disappointment. This wasn't how his life was supposed to go! Shinji had _never_ remembered past lives in their former timelines together. Not that he knew of, anyways. Shinji had never been a good actor. Why did he remember now? It made such little sense to the teenager as he stalked the hallways with a talkative Rayne over his right shoulder explaining all the amazing card tricks he was going to teach Aster, his younger sister who was not only a skilled gymnast, but also an aspiring trickster.

           _Unless..._

          Kaworu halted suddenly with a small, inaudible gasp as a couple of the thousands of puzzle pieces he had clicked into place. Rayne hit his back and looked up at him quizzically. "Kaworu?"

          Kaworu shook his head minutely. "Sorry, Rayne, I... I was just lost in my thoughts, I apologize. Now, how about school?" Kaworu offered an appeasing smile while strolling beside the boy nearly half his height.

          Immediately, Rayne launched into a long, happy rant about how big his new school was (Emelie, his mother, showed him pictures), and how they had a great music program so he could learn the trumpet like he always wanted. He talked about other things, too, but that was all Kaworu had bothered to pay attention to before his own troubles recalled his attention and he was left fitful behind his assuring grin.

          The boys helped each other strip their sheets from the bed and pack up their belongings before they had to sit out in the lounge as they waited for their respective families to arrive.

          As much as Kaworu had wanted to see Rayne off, Misato arrived too early with a placid-looking Shinji wheeling in his adoptive sister, Rei. Kaworu was in a bit of a shock to see Rei. EVA and Dummy Plugs didn't exist in this timeline so he had no idea what she was like. The Reis Kaworu met never had a personality. He froze in minute terror, wondering if she remembered as well.

          "Kaworu, this is Rei. She's Shinji's sister."

          The girl in question offered a pale hand upward to Kaworu, a very faint smile on her lips. "It's nice to meet you, Kaworu. Welcome to our family."

          He offered a kind smile in return, otping to lean down and kiss the top of her hand instead. "Thank you, Rei. A pleasure to meet you as well." He said, releasing her hand and stashing his own back in his slacks.

          The girl blushed ever so slightly and Kaworu knew she didn't remember anything. He was glad, but that didn't help the blue eyes glaring holes into his head right now.

          "Hey! You have to say bye to me!" Rayne called from behind him. Kaworu turned his head over his shoulder and smirked, depositing his bag against the wall and walking back to the pouting, blue-eyed, blond-haired boy who looked just as heartbroken as Kaworu felt. Just as Kaworu offered his arms to his young, temporary companion, Rayne had his face buried in Kaworu's stomach, hands locked on top of his tailbone. Kaworu chuckled and cradled Rayne's head against his middle.

          "Don't forget about me, okay?" The words were spoken so softly, Kaworu almost missed them. He let Rayne tilt his face up to him and Kaworu stepped back so he could lean down and brush away Rayne's stray tears.

          "I promise." Kaworu said, offering his pinky. He had seen this on T.V. between Lilim who were very close friends.

          Rayne gave a small smile and locked his pinky around Kaworu's. The kiss that Rayne gave him promptly after was chaste and shy and left a little saliva on his bottom lip, but he didn't mind. Rayne was blushing, but otherwise looked satisfied and that was all that mattered.

          He ruffled Rayne's platinum hair and gave an easy smile. "Bye, muffin-top."

          Rayne playfully stuck his tongue out in return before waving goodbye. Kaworu collected his bag and offered to push Rei's wheelchair. After a scolding from Misato, Shinji begrudgling stepped away and Kaworu pretended not to notice the quick glances.

 

 

* * *

 

 

          The Katsuragi house was very well-kept. Apparently, despite Misato's persistent pigginess, Shinji and Kaji were an unstoppable cleaning duo, and Rei pitched in when she could. It was a two-story (excluding the attic and basement) suburban complex composed of brick and wood with a _huge_ backyard that blended neatly into open pine and maple wood.

          Rei slept in the attic, because it was the only bedroom in the house with an adjustable AC and the only one that had room for all her medical equipment. Rei was constantly in and out of hospitals for Crohn's.

          That left Misato and Kaji comfortably tucked in the master suite of the house and Shinji in his own little space. Well, until now.

          "Wait a second, _what_?" Shinji's eyes nearly doubled in size as he watched Misato take Kaworu's bag so he could scoop up Rei and set her back into her wheelchair.

          "I _said_ Kaworu is rooming with you, Shinji." Misato huffed as she handed Kaworu back his bag. "Thanks, Kaworu."

          "No, I heard that." Shinji all but growled. "I meant _why_. I thought you and I agreed he could stay in the basement. It isn't like it's unfinished. You do yoga down there all the time!" The brunette argued, throwing an aggressive hand up above his head.

          Misato narrowed her eyes, leaning on one leg and crossing her arms over her chest defiantly. They tended to butt heads from time to time. "Shinji, the basement flooded last night from the storm, remember?"

          "So?"

          "Shinji!"

          "No! This is bullshit, Misato!" With that, Shinji turned in a flash on his heel and walked quickly down the road.

          "Shinji, where the hell do you think you're going! Shinji! Shinji I swear-" Kaworu caught her by the shoulder before she stormed off after the youth.

          His smile was a remedy as it always was. Humans were just so easy to please. "Let him be, Misato. He needs to calm down and think for himself. I'll make sure no trouble finds him."

          She cupped her elbows in her hands and sighed, her face melting into something of submission and gave a returning smile of thankfulness. "Thanks, Kaworu." She turned back to Rei and was about to start wheeling her up the path before pausing and turning, asking, "Are you going to join us inside?"

          Kaworu didn't look away from Shinji's figure in the distance. "I've been locked up in a hospital for nealy a week, Misato. I would like to stay out and embrace the fresh air if you don't mind me doing so."

          "Not at all. Come in when you'd like." With that, she wheeled Rei up to the house and Kaworu took a seat on the front porch. He'd wait all night if he had to, his bag next to him his only companion.

 

 

* * *

 

          It was nearly dusk when Kaworu caught sight of Shinji again, his head peaking up into the horizon line over the hill that dipped into the cul-de-sac the house sat at the edge of. His hands were tucked in the pocket of his hoodie, the hood drawn up, and even though the SDAT player was broken, the earbuds silently rested in Shinji's ears. No one would bother him that way.

          He only noticed Kaworu when he reached the start of the porch steps, jumping a step back in surprise and then looking something close to offended before it bled away into disbelieving confusion.

          "Did you... wait out here the entire time?"

          "I told Misato I'd make sure you didn't get into trouble."

          At this, Shinji scowled. "I don't need a babysitter."

          Kaworu stood. "I didn't say anything about one."

          A sneer. "Angels are so fucking weird." And then Shinji shouldered past him and announced himself coming into the house. This led to an argument between Misato and Shinji, something about Shinji being rude and irresponsible, which led to a shouting match, and that only left room for heartfelt apologies an hour later once the two had settled down.

          Shinji's bedroom consisted of a desk littered with paper and a laptop, a closet that was more storage than closet, a bookshelf filled with philosophy and theory, a nightstand filled with cassette tapes, a half-empty dresser with a TV on top, and a full bed freshly-made with the twin trundle underneath pulled out. Misato had taken the liberty of making up both the beds after the spat with Shinji.

          Kaworu was told to put clothes in the two bottom drawers and ecetera in the top drawer. Toiletries go in the bathroom. Shinji had to sit and awkwardly help him separate everything under the watchful eye of Misato. Rei offered tea when everyone was settled. Kaji didn't come home until late into the evening, when Rei and Misato were fast asleep and Shinji pretended like he could sleep without the SDAT player that sat useless at his desk with haphazardly placed tools.

          It was 3 a.m. when Kaworu woke up and found he could not sleep again. It was 7 a.m. when Kaworu found out what it was like to be kicked in the groin with a body he could entirely feel. It did not feel very good.

          He fell back onto the mattress of the twin trundle with Shinji's fiery blue eyes glaring viciously down at him. He looked positively frightening that way. "Don't you _ever_ climb into bed with me again. I will punch your teeth in, Nagisa, don't think I won't."

          Vaguely, Kaworu decided it was still worth it to have cuddled Shinji's back for nearly four hours. It would have been worth it for four minutes.

          "I apologize, Shinji."

          "Ikari. Don't call me Shinji."

          Shinji fell back asleep but Kaworu did not. Kaworu sat at Shinji's desk for two full hours, toying with the SDAT player and drawing up plans. His brothers had something to do with this whole mess and he was going to figure out what the point of all this was.

          "This has to be some sort of punishment." He mumbled to himself. He temporarily retired the thought and left the room to shower, instead.

          He wasn't sure when he came outside or how long he had sat brooding, but Kaworu felt a person drop down beside him on the stone steps when the sun was highest in the sky and he was completely startled out of his state.

          "How long have you been out here sulking, huh?"

          "Sulking? I haven't been-"

          Misato pressed a manicured finger against his lips. "You can't fool me."

          Kaworu remembered Shinji once describing arguing with Misato as "almost harder than fighting Angels." It had been a pillow talk conversation that made Kaworu smile fondly back on. Those conversations had been some of his favorites. Perhaps the cover of night made Shinji more open.

          With a sigh, Kaworu smiled at the purple-haired woman and said, "I've been out here an hour at most."

          She nodded in return, taking a swig of the contents in an aluminum can. She offered him a sip. The drink was unfamiliar to him and Kaworu had never been short of excited to experience everything of Lilim culture. He took the can like it was a cup of tea and took a sip. Of course, with having full access to taste buds and gag reflexes now, Kaworu ended up spitting it back out on the porch steps. Kaworu mumbled apologies but it was mostly deafened by Misato's overpowering laughter. He handed the can back to her.

          "I think that is the funniest thing I've seen all this week." She said, drinking again from the bitter water.

          He coughed awkwardly. "What... was that again?"

          "Beer, honey."

          "Beer honey?"

          She snorted. "No, it's just called beer."

          "Ah."

          She arched an eyebrow at him. "How old are you again?"

          "Seventeen." He answered easily.

          "And you've never had a beer?"

          He cocked his head. "I was under the impression alcohol was illegal to individuals under the age of twenty-one in the United States."

          "Yeah, but you're from Germany, aren't you?"

          "Correct. The drinking age there is 16-18. Depending."

          She hummed in response and leaned back on her hands. The spring here was very pleasant. It was warm air that clung to skin like a thin blanket and the sweet aromas of rebirth and skies so clear you could probably see galaxies at night.

          "I know you're frustrated with Shinji right now, whether you admit it or not. I am too, but-"

          "He can't be blamed." Kaworu finished, shoulders sagging back down as he leaned forward with his forearms on his knees and a hand under his chin. "He's such a guarded spirit, it's no wonder he's so hurt by his space being invaded by a stranger against his will. It's human nature and he's a wonderful example of it. The honest parts of it, at the very least."

          Misato held her breath for a moment. "How long have you known him, again?"

          A small, secret smile. "Not nearly as long as I want to."

          "Do you know him well?"

          The smile was gone. "That's a tough question. Every time I think I do, he surprises me."

          The breeze raised goosebumps on his arms and Kaworu closed his eyes, reveling in the sensation with a slow, deep sigh. He jumped when Misato's fingers gently caressed the curve of his spine, his head twisting to look at her oddly.

          The smile on her face was sympathetic, but not the kind that made Kaworu upset. It was the kind that made him love humanity all the more (and that was his downfall after all, wasn't it?). "He'll come around, don't worry. You are a very sweet boy, Kaworu, I can't see someone as kind as Shinji staying bitter towards you for very long."

          Kaworu smiled back. "If he does, he has every right to." He didn't give Misato the chance to ask about the statement, as he stood up and walked around to the backyard promptly after. The woods are what he wanted to explore right now, and he needed to think out his plan to call out one of his brothers.

          He found himself in a clearing. Everything in this clearing looked like it was just starting to come back to life. It was a bit overwhelming. Kaworu recalled being able to _see_ the life in everything, the heartbeat of flowers and the breath of trees. He once felt the pulse of the universe. Being a human being opened so many doors while closing handfuls of doorways he once loved so much.

          He smiled coldly, walking himself to the middle of the field. "You... my brothers... sisters... you said you hated seeing my suffering." He tipped his head back and laughed dryly. "You hated humans as well. I remember the utter hatred you had for humans, before I was my own being. I remember how disgusting and vile and insignificant they were to you. So why... why would you think this is my ideal afterlife?" He shook his head. "You lied to my face. I may have betrayed you, but never once did I disrespect my brothers and sisters. Never once did I _lie_ to you. You lied to me and _punished_ me out of petty anger. How can _any_ of you call yourselves the children of Adam?!" He was shouting at this point, and he couldn't stop. He'd never felt anger before. He'd never learned how to control this feeling of heat at the surface level of his emotions and this horrid hot coil in his throat.

          "I did my time. I was ready to rejoin you. I was going to give up everything! Shinji, my identity, my memories, _everything_! To be with you again and _you_ rejected _me_! Not the other way around, do _not_ forget that." He hissed, the back of his eyes burning with unshed tears. He didn't know how to cry.

          "I understand. This is my Hell. Give me the boy I love more than my own life and make him hate me. Clever. But if you have forgotten, I _was_ an Angel." He turned on his heel and started slow strides back home.

          "And I know how to fix this."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Admittedly, I am very happy with this chapter. This is basically Shaun meets Qworu. Sad, huh? Don't worry, it'll get better. Also, if you get confused about the angel stuff or my theories, feel free to ask!
> 
> Remember to comment! Comments really keep me motivated! <3 Thank you to everyone for your support!!! 
> 
> \- Destery 
> 
> (Find me on tumblr at prinxe-destery.tumblr.com or writingblox.tumblr.com)


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